High-Functioning Anxiety

Introduction

I still remember the moment I chose to finally face my shadows. Growing up as a second-generation British immigrant and ethnic minority, I’d found myself split between two cultures. This shaped my life experience and in an effort to cope, I developed high-functioning anxiety. By the time I reached adulthood, I was filled with shame, and the mental box I was trying to hide it in was running out of space.

I believed that there was something deeply wrong with me, and as my inner critic became louder, I struggled to even look at myself in the mirror. This was my approach to dealing with the way I felt, and only now can I see how unhealthy it was. At the time, I didn’t know what was happening to me: I just thought I was stupid and pathetic. I didn’t want anyone else to see that, though, so I did whatever I could to ensure this side of me remained hidden.

My ‘solution’ to my problems was to try and become ‘successful,’ but at the heart of them lay a lack of values and meaningful connections with others. And although I felt exhausted by it all, I believed there was nothing else I could do. I was scared to ask for help because I didn’t want to reveal how ‘messed up’ I thought I was. For years, I fought to avoid certain parts of myself, but no matter what I did, they always found a way to emerge. In the end, I had no choice but to force them out of the darkness and into the light. And what I discovered there changed my life.

What Is High-Functioning Anxiety (HFA)?

Before we begin, I want to be clear that high-functioning anxiety – or HFA, as I will refer to it in this book – is not the same as debilitating anxiety, which is generally defined as anxiety that’s severe enough to shut us down to the point where we’re no longer capable of working, looking after ourselves, or maintaining relationships. People with HFA, people like me, experience the symptoms of their anxiety internally, while still managing their external life effectively. We show the world what we think of as our ‘good’ side and keep our ‘real’ side – the anxious one that we don’t want others to see – hidden.

According to the USA’s National Health Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 31 percent of adults experience an anxiety disorder at some time in their lives, while in the UK, in 2022/23, an average of 37 percent of women and 30 percent of men reported high levels of anxiety.

Now, it’s likely that a sizeable proportion of these people with an anxiety disorder suffer with high-functioning anxiety, but despite this, HFA is not currently a recognized anxiety disorder. While it’s argued that this is because sufferers tend to function reasonably well in their daily lives, the effects of HFA can be extreme, affecting quality of life and causing intense feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

HFA is rooted in feelings of not being ‘good enough.’ People with HFA often appear competent and accomplished, but internally, they experience intense worry, self-doubt, and fear of failure. As a result, they often hold themselves to incredibly high standards and constantly strive for perfection in various aspects of their lives. We’re often the ones who show up to get things done and make sure everyone else is okay. We look as if we have it all together and are strong and organized, but on the inside it’s a different story –one that no one else gets to see.

This fear of not being good enough can drive those of us with HFA to overachieve and excel in a bid to prove our worth via external validation. We fear judgment, and resist saying no to others or letting them down; we may think this is the only way to be accepted and loved by others. However, despite our achievements, we may still feel inadequate and harbor an underlying sense that we don’t measure up. Or believe, deep down, that there’s something wrong with us. This fear of not being good enough can become a constant source of stress and anxiety and lead to a behavior pattern of overworking, overthinking, and self-criticism.

As a psychologist, one of the interesting, yet perplexing, things I’ve found is that, while many of the people I meet can relate to the concept of high-functioning anxiety, they don’t fully understand its underlying causes. In fact, they often insist that they do feel sufficiently worthy in their lives.

However, it’s crucial to understand that, while you may consider yourself to be a confident and contented adult, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your actions are free from fear-based motivations – you just might not be able to see it. Often, core issues remain hidden deep in our subconscious while we just scratch at the surface of our self-awareness. It’s my intention in this book to help you dig deeper, into your innermost roots, to discover and embrace your authentic self.

Right now, you might be thinking, Why explore all this if I’m happy the way I am? My answer: because HFA stops us from truly living life to the full. It limits us and makes us play safe, hiding parts of ourselves from the world. HFA is rooted in fear: the fear of other people seeing the ‘real’ us – yet our internal battle is with ourselves, not others.

Eventually, we reach a point where we become fed up with living in a constant state of hidden anxiety – I can tell you from my own experience that it’s a lonely and exhausting place to be. We realize that we have no option other than to look at the cause of our anxiety – and we find that the cause is the very thing we’ve been running away from.

Embracing Our Worthiness

Acknowledging that something’s wrong is often the hardest part. The only way to move forward is to be honest with yourself – not to run away or hide behind emotional shields. The process might seem daunting, but it’s better than the alternative of living with anxiety. It’s time to take personal responsibility and grow into your authentic self.

Just as rain cleanses the earth and gives rise to new growth, the challenges you face have the power to cleanse your spirit and illuminate your path. Within the darkness lies the opportunity for growth and transformation. The storms may shake you, but they’re also sculpting the person you’re meant to become. Trust in the process for, when the storms subside, you’ll stand stronger, wiser, and more aligned with your true self.

This isn’t easy, of course. You must do the ‘work,’ which involves being honest about yourself and your feelings. There’s no quick-fix solution; this is a lifestyle change. But trust me, it’s worth it. Just as the caterpillar waits in its cocoon, going through different stages of metamorphosis, so too will you spend time within yourself, going deep as you prepare for change. I want people to feel worthy enough, and to stop struggling with their thoughts. I’ve seen this process in action with the people I work with – marveling at how, once they truly understand their thoughts, everything can change. The journey of life isn’t one where we perform for others but one where we love ourselves with compassion and are able to simply ‘be.’

We often find ourselves caught in the trap of feeling inadequate or not measuring up to certain standards. However, the truth is that we are inherently good enough, just as we are. Our worthiness doesn’t depend on external achievements, validations, or comparisons to others. We possess unique qualities, strengths, and gifts that make us valuable and worthy of love and acceptance.

How This Book Works

Embracing our worthiness allows us to cultivate self-compassion, self-acceptance, and inner peace. By recognizing our innate goodness, we can let go of the need for constant striving and perfectionism and instead, accept our authentic self with kindness and love. Reaching the point where you can see that you’re already enough, simply by being you, is where it all changes.

This is why I’ve written this book – to give you the awareness, the understanding, and the tools you need to quieten the inner panic of high-functioning anxiety, find balance, and thrive. I’ll explain exactly what HFA is and show you how to recognize its symptoms and behavior patterns in your own life. And then I’ll help you to adopt a new way of being.

With my proven, psychology-based approach – which includes practical exercises and tools, and questions designed for self-reflection – you’ll reach for your inner strength and resilience to confront your fears and overcome your anxiety. You can accomplish this – it’s within your reach, and you deserve it. Get ready to expand and stretch yourself beyond your existing boundaries.

Introducing the Five Steps

This book is a five-step guide to managing HFA organized into two parts. Part I, Unlearning, is Steps 1 and 2. When I take clients through the process of overcoming their HFA, the first thing I do is help them to recognize that they do have it and then to understand why they have it. Without this understanding, we’re just managing the symptoms rather than addressing the underlying cause – which is fear. The unlearning part comes from reconnecting with ourselves and finding out where that fear originates, and then unlearning the behavior that results from it.

Part II, Learning, is Steps 3 to 5, and shows you how to reconnect with yourself. In it, you’ll learn how to navigate the heightened sensitivity that’s associated with HFA, as well as trust yourself and show yourself compassion. Here’s an overview of the five steps:

Step 1: Discover Your Patterns and Unveil Your Hidden Self – This in-depth exploration of HFA sets out what it is and where it comes from, and reveals the ways it manifests in key behavior patterns.
Step 2: Decode Your Patterns, Uncover Your Beliefs, and Face Your Shadow – Dig deeper to identify these behavior patterns in yourself, uncover their origins, and understand why you live the way you do.
Step 3: Develop Self-Connection and Transcend Your Fear – Among other things, this features a comprehensive tool kit to help you manage your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt.
Step 4: Embrace Your Sensitivity and Reclaim Self-Trust – Find out how to set healthy boundaries that will protect you while you’re navigating the heightened sensitivity of HFA.
Step 5: Unleash Self-Compassion – Learn the art of being kind to yourself and discover ways to thrive with the help of the 12 ‘powers.’

Throughout the book, I’ll draw on my own experience of HFA, as well as the wisdom I’ve gained through working with clients in the therapy room over the years; in fact, I’ve included many client case studies as examples of HFA behavior (note that names and stories have been changed to maintain confidentiality). You’ll learn how to face your past, understand the ways that it impacts your present, and create a more fulfilling and meaningful future.

I’m lucky; I eventually found a therapist who created a safe space in which I could confront my shadows and my anxiety. I can still recall how it felt when I started to understand my behavior patterns and things finally began to make sense. I began truly opening my heart and trusting myself in life, and the feeling was beautiful. I felt at peace. Even on the occasions when I faltered, I understood why it was happening. It was the start of my journey. Picking up this book is the start of yours.