Becoming Yourself

Sharing the Feeling

Because we have so much useless rubbish in our mind, it is hard to share our feeling with people, with things, with trees, or with mountains. Even though we are right in the middle of the woods, it is still hard to appreciate the feeling of the woods. When we can really appreciate the feeling of the woods, that is zazen.

Sharing the feeling we have right here, right now is the fundamental thing for Zen practice. Zen is, in a word, to share our feeling with people, with trees, and with mountains, wherever we are. That is Zen practice.

Usually our mind is filled with something like ice cream or bananas or how much the soap costs in one store compared to another, or by looking at the newspaper and seeing an ad for a sale. So it is almost impossible to share the actual feeling we have where we are right now.

Our life is going on and on, endlessly filled with rubbish. It is not rubbish at first. At some moment it is important for you, but it is not necessary to hold on to it past that point. It is the same with our everyday life. Because we have so much useless rubbish in our mind, it is hard to share our feeling with people, with things, with trees, or with mountains. Even though we are right in the middle of the woods, it is still hard to appreciate the feeling of the woods. When we can really appreciate the feeling of the woods, that is zazen.

Before attaining enlightenment, Buddha practiced under many teachers, studying many things and becoming caught up in various philosophies or religions. When he realized he was caught by this, he lost interest in such things. He got tired of that kind of effort, and he gave up everything.

Finally, he sat under the Bodhi tree, where he attained enlightenment. We say, "he attained enlightenment," but it may be better to say, "he completely forgot everything!" He had nothing in his mind at that moment. When he saw the morning star rising up from the east, it was the first thing he saw coming out of his empty mind. That is why he had such joy at the sight of the morning star. In other words, he shared his feeling with the morning star's feeling. It is difficult to analyze whether it was Buddha's feeling or the morning star's feeling. Anyway, he shared his feeling with the morning star. That was his enlightenment.

That he was Buddha meant that he was being himself, being completely with everyone and with everything. To be Buddha it is necessary to give up the various bits of rubbish in the mind.

Buddhist teaching is the teaching that arises from emptiness of mind. In other words, it is what arises from pure mind, or, you may say, "holy mind." If your words come from pure emptiness, whatever they are, I think they are Buddha's words. And if you do things with purity of mind, that is Buddha's activity. It is possible for us to do that. We meditate, recite Buddha's name, or read scriptures on the one hand in order to empty our mind, and on the other hand in order to appreciate Buddha's words that arise from empty mind.

To sit in zazen posture with an empty mind, some technique or explanation is needed. The purpose of our practice is to open up our mind. You must open it like you open a tin can. You must cut hard and open the tin so that you can eat what's in it.

But just to open is not enough; the spirit of repetition is also necessary. If you do not have this kind of spirit-if your everyday life is not based on this kind of spirit-you cannot cope with the problems you have day after day. As long as you live, you must eat something. After you eat, you may have a big rubbish pile of cans and wrappers. So, you should continuously work on it. You should clear your table every day. Even if you feel that you are clearing everything from your table, it must be done with the spirit of continuing to do so forever.

If your practice lacks this continuous spirit, it will be just like the experience you may have after taking LSD or drinking alcohol. The big difference between a psychedelic experience and an enlightenment experience is that one is based on the Bodhisattva vow and the other is an accidental experience that happens with the aid of some substance. One is the experience that you can have always, over and over, continuously; the other is the experience that you have only with the help of some aid. I'm only comparing these things in order to make our practice clear. I easily become critical, and I don't feel so good after criticizing things, so I shouldn't go too far!

We should clear our table every day, and even when it is clear, we should continue to make the effort to keep it clear. This is another important point. If you are cleaning your table because you think it is dirty, that mind is dirty. To think something is dirty means your mind is dirty. So we should let go of this kind of mind that discriminates "dirty" or "clean," "right" or "wrong." The point is to let go of discrimination. The point is to clean things, not because they are dirty, but just because this is something we should do as long as we are alive.

There is no reason why we should practice zazen. When I came to America, I was very interested in why so many people wanted to practice zazen, crossing their legs, sitting upright, and keeping their backs straight. I couldn't understand why. I would ask them, "Why did you come here to this zendo?" and they would say, "Oh! I don't know." Some people felt that they should give me some reason, so they gave me some reason, but it didn't make much sense, and I still wondered why. But "I don't know" is right, I think. Even if you don't know what it is or why you do it, if you understand this point and practice zazen and the associated activities, you will have the fundamental religious attitude of our Buddhist practice.

Concentrating the Whole Body

You could say that the artist is working the left hand with a brush in the right hand. In the same way, the artist's whole body is working on one line.

It may look like I am trying to put you into some form, like zazen practice, but actually it is not so. I put an emphasis on the form of practice because that is a way for you to have real concentration.

If you ignore just one instruction we may give you, there will be no real concentration. If your back is not straight, it is impossible to have good, deep breathing. Good breathing means smooth, deep breathing. It should be calm and it should be strong. When you have good posture, your breathing can be very smooth and deep. It should reach the bottom of your belly. Breathing does not actually reach the bottom of your belly - it comes to the bottom of your lungs and not any lower- but the feeling should be of it reaching the bottom of your belly.

When a calligrapher or a Japanese sumi ink artist works, even though they are not in the perfect posture of zazen, they apply that posture in their work. For these artists, one stroke or one line expresses many things, in the same way that our practice includes everything. That may be the difference between art in general and Zen art: in Zen art, full concentration is put on one dot, on one line. If you see how they do it, you will understand.

They usually hold the brush in the right hand, but the left hand is working harder than the right. You could say that the artist is working the left hand with a brush in the right hand. In the same way, the artist's whole body is working on one line. If you paint just by using one hand, you cannot work properly. In some way your left hand should help your right hand, and your whole body should make your brush work freely to express something. If your brush includes all of your effort, and if you have become completely one with everything, then you can work in a true sense.

That is why we put emphasis on our posture. When you are not sitting, you still should keep your back straight and find out how to be concentrated on your activity. There will be some way to be concentrated on what you do.

Including Everything

When you become you yourself, at that moment your practice includes everything.

Our way of sitting is for you to become yourself. Katagiri Roshi always says, "to settle oneself on oneself." To be yourself.

When you become you yourself, at that moment your practice includes everything. Whatever there is, it is a part of you. You practice with everyone in the future and in the past. That is our practice. But when you do not become yourself, it doesn't happen in that way.

When you sit, you are sitting with everything, including animate and inanimate beings. The Soto Zen founder Dogen Zenji said that if your practice doesn't include everything, it is not real practice.

You may think that after practicing for a long time you will attain enlightenment, and that then your practice will include everything and everyone. But actually your practice already includes everything. If you think that in two or three years, after your practice improves, then your practice will be perfect enough to include everything, that is a mistake. Something is missing in that understanding. The sincerity is missing.

When you practice forgetting yourself, forgetting where you are and how long you have been here, then your practice includes everything. When you say, "I practice zazen at Zen Center," "I" and "Zen Center" are extra. You are limiting your practice by the idea of "Zen Center" or "my practice." When you say "my practice," the practice is very small. When you say "Zen Center," the practice is very limited. When you forget all about those kinds of ideas and just practice, then at that time your practice is perfect and includes everything, past, present, and future. That is the point of practice.

Just to Sit as Yourself

Just to be yourself is no problem whatsoever. This is what is meant by "just to sit."

I would like to explain shikantaza, what it means just to sit.

A monk said to a Zen master, "It is very hot! Is it possible to sit somewhere where there is no heat or no cold?" The master answered, "When it is hot you should be hot Buddha. When it is cold you should be cold Buddha." This is Dogen Zenji's understanding of the story. In the usual story, the master said, "When it is hot you should be killed by the heat. When it is cold you should be killed by the cold." But if you say "killed," the "killed" is extra. If you say to "attain" enlightenment, the "attainment" is extra. Dogen Zenji was very direct when he said, "When it is hot you should be hot Buddha. When it is cold you should be cold Buddha." That is the meaning of shikantaza, just to sit.

When your practice is not good, you are a poor Buddha. When your practice is good, you are a good Buddha. "Poor" and "good" are themselves Buddhas; "poor" is Buddha and "good" is Buddha and you are Buddha also. Whatever you think or say, every word becomes Buddha. I am Buddha. "I" is Buddha and "am" is Buddha and "Buddha" is Buddha. Buddha. Buddha. Buddha. When whatever you say is Buddha, there are no problems: Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha. There is no need to translate it into English, no need to be bothered with fancy explanations of Buddhism. If you say, "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha," that is the way. Everything is Buddha: sitting is Buddha, lying down is Buddha, each word is Buddha. That is our way. That is shikantaza. When you practice zazen with this understanding, that is true zazen.

We say just to sit, but to understand this is rather difficult. That may be why Dogen Zenji left us so many teachings. This does not mean that his teachings are difficult; when you sit, you know what he means without thinking or expecting anything. When you accept yourself as a Buddha - or understand everything as an unfolding of the absolute teaching, the truth, the first principle, or as part of the great being - then whatever you think or see is the actual teaching of Buddha, and whatever you do is the actual practice of Buddha. Problems arise because you are trying to do something, or because you think that it doesn't matter whether or not you do something.

Before you attain enlightenment, enlightenment is there. It is not because one attains enlightenment that enlightenment appears. Enlightenment is always there, and to realize this is enlightenment. If you think that enlightenment is some particular thing you can reach or attain sometime, you will be discouraged, because you are seeking for it. But if you feel that it is not possible to attain enlightenment, you will also be discouraged, and will give up your practice, or will try to find some other teaching which is more worthwhile and can be achieved. In this way you will move from one teaching to another and will have no time to realize your true nature, which is the true nature of everyone.

So whether or not you realize your true nature or attain enlightenment is a minor problem, not the big problem! It is all the better if you do attain enlightenment, but even if you don't, there is no need to go looking for another teaching, because the true teaching is always right here. This kind of understanding may be difficult to accept. You may give up if you don't think you have made some progress after practicing for one or two months. But true religion cannot be obtained by seeking for some good thing; that is only the way to attain something in a material sense. The way to work on spiritual things is quite different. Even to talk about spiritual things is not actually spiritual but a kind of substitute.

That you are here means that you will vanish. Things that exist are bound to vanish, and things which you attain cannot be perpetually retained. The only thing that exists forever is that which exists before anything else appears. As long as you seek for something, you will get the shadow of reality and not reality itself. Only when you do not seek for anything will you find it, and only when you do not strive for enlightenment will you have it. Because you try to attain something, you lose it.