Make Some Noise

1

Start Taking Up Some Damn Space

In 2009, while very pregnant with my second child, I was finishing up my bachelor's degree at California State University San Marcos.

In one particular class, there was a formula that most of the class wasn't understanding. We were let loose to figure out the assignment in groups, and I started asking my peers if they understood the formula and couldn't find anyone that did. The consensus was that we all needed more help, but no one wanted to ask for it. Our professor had explained it more than once, and apparently no one was willing to speak up on behalf of the class or even for themselves.

When our professor announced we'd have a test the following day on this topic, I raised my hand. "Professor," I said, "this formula is still unclear for us, and from what I can tell, none of us have a grasp on this material yet. Can we go over it again?"

"We've gone over it twice, Andrea," he replied.

Now, I don't know what made me feel like I needed to stand up in that moment, maybe it was because I was speaking on behalf of the class, maybe it was because my ankles were swelling, but I hauled my big, pregnant belly up out of my chair, took a deep breath, and said, "Sir, for the last twenty minutes I've been trying to find someone in this class who understands the material so they can help me. No one does. To me, that says the material hasn't been taught to us adequately, and obviously I am not alone in not comprehending. I'm asking, on behalf of the class, if we can review it again."

I'll never forget the hushed silence that followed my request. I saw many heads look down at their desks as if they couldn't bear to make eye contact with me or with him. The discomfort was palpable. He stared at me for several seconds and I had no idea what was coming. I was starting to regret my choice of speaking up.

Right before I waddled myself out of the class to never come back to finish my degree, he said, "You're a tough lady. All right, we'll review next class and the test will be pushed back."

I highly doubt that if one of the young men had asked that same question he would have said, "You're a tough man." Who knows, maybe he would, but what I felt in our exchange is that my professor was not expecting me to call out what I was feeling as a student, as well as make such a bold request.

I was not fearless in this endeavor. I knew it was a risk to take up this kind of space with my voice, and with my request.

Maybe you've been in that situation before, wanting to speak up and actually doing it like I did that day. Or maybe you've wanted to speak up, to make some noise, but didn't. Either way, I can almost guarantee there's been a moment in your life in which you squashed your own form of bigness.

Maybe you get a promotion at work and contemplated posting about it on social media but stop yourself because you're worried people will think you're bragging. Perhaps someone at work tells a sexist joke and you can feel the response (and bile) in your throat but decide to say nothing. Maybe your father-in-law interrupts you on the regular and you let it slide every time.

There also may very well be things you're doing that you don't even know you are playing small and giving your power away. They've become so habitual and woven into your daily life that you do them as blindly as making your own coffee in the morning. Whatever the manifestation of your playing small is, let's dig in and take a closer look.

What Does It Mean to "Take Up Space"?

From an early age, many of us have been told we're "too much." Too loud, too opinionated, too sensitive or emotional, too talkative, too fat, wearing too much makeup, too something. In some way or another, whether it's explicitly said or we just catch the subtle message-we're essentially told we're wrong for daring to be ourselves. Everything from the big stress on the importance of "being a lady" or making sure we treat our virginity as the most revered possession we can ever have, to occupying as little space as possible, it's all part of the list of unspoken rules for women that we begin to learn at an early age.

Whether it's a raised eyebrow, a snarky comment online, or someone blatantly telling us to shut up, the vast majority of women have more than one example of being told to tone it down, or at the very least understand how we've learned to take up the least amount of space possible.

An obvious example is taking up space with our bodies. It's no secret that we live in a fat-phobic culture, naming thinness as the only body type that is valuable. That feminine achievement is won if we attain and keep a slender body.

Women are also more likely to get out of the way when walking down the street and a man approaches, as if it's a traffic law where one gender always has the right-of-way. There are countless memes about manspreading, and if there were an Olympics for apologizing for bumping into people, animals, and even inanimate objects, women would get the gold, hands down.

When it comes to our appearance, culturally we have a narrow view of what is widely acceptable and what is beautiful. For a woman to unabashedly express herself in terms of her image is an act of rebellion. Aging is another way women struggle to take up space. Once we hit forty, by society's standards we are deemed not as valuable as we used to be and begin to feel more invisible. To be an older woman and take up space with our voice, appearance, and opinions is in effect an act of defiance in a culture that tells us our time of relevance is over.

Race can add another obstacle around taking up space for women of color. Jessica Sharp, thirty-one, says, "As a millennial Black woman, I feel like I have to think about how I show up with a particular organization. I have to decide if I should show up as my full self. I know that there may be feedback that I am intimidating or 'a lot' and assume that if I were a white woman that feedback would be less likely to be received. I have to balance being myself with not being too much, because I am often fearful that I'll be perceived as an 'angry Black woman.' My age does not help-I sometimes feel like the room expects me to be more passive and quieter because I'm often the youngest in the room, although I'm equally as qualified as everyone else."

Expressing emotions is another way we, as women, allow society to tell us what's acceptable and unacceptable. I've talked to many women who've told me they don't know how to do something remarkably instinctive-feel their feelings. They've mastered numbing them out or dissociating. That, or they do feel their feelings, but either can't or won't express them. They've successfully let the world tell them they're too emotional and/or sensitive. Therefore, they shove their feelings into a box, and generally shut out this innate expression that is crucial to their well-being, and also to their power.

Last, the best way we can take up space is to use our voices. Recent studies show that schoolgirls are more prone to do things like laugh off sexist jokes by their friends and not appear too smart (i.e., not raise their hand too much in class) in order to "not scare off boys, not appear bitchy or unsexy." This mentality and behavior continues into adulthood until we've created the proverbial box for ourselves. The box that contorts us into who we think we're supposed to be: compliant, malleable, and never taking up our share of space.

I worked with a client who told me she typically had ideas and opinions she wanted to share at weekly work meetings, but never elbowed her way into the conversation. When the meetings were over, she would spend hours rehashing the meeting, imagining what she would have said and how she would have said it, as well as beating herself up for staying quiet. Week after week, she would have all the ideas and stories in her head swirling around, where they would stay.

All of this, my loves, is bullshit. If you could relate to any of this, it's not your fault, we've been trained to be this way. But it doesn't need to stay this way.

Why We Do It

Whether it's obvious to us or just something we sense but keep buried-we know that to live one's purpose on this planet we must be the absolute full expression of ourselves, which includes taking up space in the world. So, if we know this, then why, oh why, do we not bust down the door to our lives?

Let's start with the fact that in the not-too-distant past, women had to stay quiet and insignificant in order to survive. My mother tells me one particular story of having a job in the 1960s where her boss would chase her around his desk "all in good fun," but she knew if she told him in seriousness to stop, she was at risk of losing her job, which, at that time, being a single mother to my older brother and sister, was not a great option for her.

To express ourselves fully, to go against cultural and societal norms and standards, is scary; I'm not here to tell you it's not. It's human nature to want to stay safe and to be accepted by the group at large-whether that's your family, your friends, your community, or even your culture. Fear has crept in and created the behaviors of staying small.

In addition, it's likely the women who've come before you in your family have experienced trauma by accepting the challenge of taking up space, and you may have, too. The pushback can have consequences that range from minor to dire. I understand that the idea of taking up space may feel exciting at first, but when it comes to actually doing it, it may feel like the biggest risk you've ever taken, the most fearful thing you've embarked on by far. But you didn't pick up this book to learn how to crochet baby booties, so let's get cracking.

What Not Taking Up Space Is Costing You

Why does it even matter? Can't you simply go through your life playing it safe, not rocking the boat, not taking any risks? Yes, you can. You can do that and get to the end of your life, and when the time comes for you to take inventory of your one true existence, I hope to God you're okay with all of that.

Because regret matters. I can't stand the "no regrets" platitude, as it first and foremost tells us we should never have made mistakes or lament about our poor life choices. Personally, I regret not going to Australia to study abroad because a boy I was dating (he was thirty-two at the time, but make no mistake, he was a boy) didn't want me to go. That regret fueled me to never again make a decision about my life that was based on someone else's comfort.

Regret matters because, may I remind you, you just get this one exquisite life. And allow me to speak frankly here and say that regret fucking sucks. It sucks to walk out of a meeting wishing you would have spoken up or to have someone else say what you wanted to say first. It's the worst to turn forty and watch people in their twenties do the things you wanted to do when you were their age, before you had the responsibilities you do now. You know what regret feels like.

When we're talking about your existence, about your power, your sovereignty, there is not one that is more important to you than yours. So when you're thinking about taking up more space than you currently do but decide not to . . . think about what you'll regret. Think about the fact that when you say no to taking up more space in your life, you're saying no to you.

Another problem you create by not standing squarely in your own space and owning it is that you are modeling that behavior for other women and girls in your life. I have a daughter and know she is watching and learning. More than what I say to her, she pays attention to how I behave and the choices I make. Whether you have children or not, the next generation of girls matters, and how we behave will shape them.

One of the biggest losses that can come with not taking up space is one that may not be so obvious. It's not a smack-you-in-the-face matter, but more of a slow burn that has the ability to torch the house of your soul down to the ground. When we limit ourselves, our voices, and our lives, we are going against our values.

If you take even the slightest interest in personal development, even if you are just dipping a pinkie toe into these waters, then what's important about your life is that you take advantage of everything it has to offer you. This isn't a rule of self-help that gets you access to the party-this is a by-product of what happens when you decide you unequivocally understand that the fullness of your life is dependent on you living like you absolutely revere your time here on Earth. That means that what's important to you-perhaps it's authenticity, honesty, integrity, and courage-should be expressed in all areas of your life. You didn't come to this point in your life to be relying on personal characteristics like half-assing your existence and having it be "just sort of okay." You're not here to confine yourself to observe, wish, and hope you'll get the opportunity to shine like the light you are, and maybe if it all goes well you can live the good life.

I've broken down the solution to taking up space into two parts with three pieces of advice each. Starting with the "internal work"-things to do that require paying attention, self-awareness, and some reflection. Followed by what I'm calling "external work," which is all about taking action. I don't expect you to go out, kick ass, and take names without first undoing what you've become so accustomed to doing. Take your time, and accept that this might be uncomfortable, but is ultimately in service of your biggest, most badass self.